So I was reading the patch notes for the upcoming “escalation” tonight, and I thought up the following and posted it on the corp forum. I thought it might give the guys a giggle or two. Then I thought it would be good enough to share with the wider Eve community (no insult intended toward those in the community who are on the wider side, I assure you):

Patch notes – the real story

I have managed to get a copy of all the hidden changes that are coming to Eve Online, the ones they don’t want us to know about! Keep this to yourselves and don’t go posting it on the forums … Oh, wait …

  • All Gallente ships to be fitted with rear vision cameras – to monitor the enemy while retreating.
  • Caldari cruisers and frigates to be fitted with handbag racks.
  • All camera drones to be removed from Amarr ships – God will tell you what’s happening.
  • Minmatar ships to have more realistic in flight effects – in warp, you will now be able to see bits falling off.


  • When engaging warp drive, Gallente pilots will be told – “Turn around and fight you cowardly bastard, you can have some wine and cheese afterwards!!”
  • When enemy ships appear on overview, Caldari pilots will hear – “Okay darling, now keep yourself together; it’s time to put away the rubber flashlight, make sure the fingernail polish is secure and start spamming the missile launch button.”
  • When asking for docking permission, Amarr pilots will hear – “Mate, I’m really busy right now and I’m not really interested in your magazines.”
  • When about to jump through a stargate, Minmatar pilots will hear – “Are you sure about this? You remember what fell off last time, don’t you?”


  • All Gallente jackets will now have a yellow stripe down the back. Moustaches contain cheese crumbs and have red wine stained edges.
  • Caldari male characters will have two new permed hairstyles with pink highlights.
  • Amarr males have been given an added air of superior smugness, Amarr female heads are now completely covered (ugly ones have a paper bag).
  • Minmatar characters now have a scalable amount of drool coming out of the corner of their mouth, the eyes have been adjusted to give a slightly more mentally unhinged look.


  • A new Gallente beret will soon be available. Female clothing items will include suspenders, stockings and a peephole bra.
  • Caldari will be able to purchase My Little Pony playsets for their officers quarters, along with a pre lubricated rubber flashlight.
  • A complete range of self flaggelation whips will be available for Amarr males. Amarr females get nothing – why would they get anything?
  • A new mini wheelbarrow will be made available for Minmatar males, for improved freedom of movement and testicular comfort.

I hope everyone has a good patch night,  may you be blessed with an ample supply of alcohol to pass the time with, see you on the other side o/


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